#unaffirming churches mention

[trans-advice]

Hey y’all. This one’s gonna be kinda philosophical/deep/possibly beyond the scope of this blog, so, if it’s too much, just ignore.

TW: mention of past suicide attempt

I grew up in a Christian family. I consider myself a Christian (and not just because my parents are), and I really want to follow Jesus. I love God, I love my family, and I really want to live the life everyone wants/expects me to.

That said…I’m trans. I have known that for about three years now. And I’m also gay (in my case, attracted to men).

I feel like I’m lying to everyone by acting like I’m this good “girl,” and toeing the line, and nodding along when everything is heteronormative, and playing this part I feel like I can never live up to. I’m sick of feeling like there’s two halves to me, and it’s tearing me apart.

I tried to commit suicide a few months ago because it was just too much. I survived, obviously, but the whole thing just made me question everything. I’m not suicidal now, but the problem that led to my attempt still hasn’t been solved.

What would you do if you were me?

So as for Jesus, look into lgbtqia+ affirmative branches of Christianity. Metropolitan Community Churches are iconic for that, but there are other denominations & communities of lgbtqia+ people in unaffirming denominations such as lgbtqia+ catholics. If you have safe access to the Internet (vpn, device settings, etc), then maybe use incognito mode to view services of various churches from affirming denominations.

For the 2 halves, I'm not sure if you mean something like a public/private divide or if you mean you need to help nuture your man side/transition, but basically you'll want to stock up on affirmations in order to combat being gaslit. You'll want to do some subtle steps like using scents or such that you like that also give you gender euphoria in order to have a transition that centers you. Or do more than that.

Personally, I put dating on the back burner because it can be so complicated, so I'll just say you should probably get around more lgbtqia+ people (especially trans people) before you start dating as a gay trans man because they can probably give you better advice.

I'm not sure what your family is like and I want to apologize for not having much to say for that.

Readers any feedback?

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hey! I'm 25 and I'm currently experiencing probably the biggest crisis of faith in my life. In my country (Poland) the Church and the LGBT people are at constant ideological war between each other. Ever since realizing I'm non-binary I've been less and less involved with the Church - mostly because if I went there I would most likely hear a lot of gate directed towards people like me. At the same time, ever since I was a child, I've suffered with thanatophobia, that would resurface every few years - this is one of such times. Usually going to Church and letting myself experience the social part of worshipping God put my mind at ease... but this time, I simply feel like I can't, because it'll just create another type of anxiety. I have no idea what to do... Do you have any advice?

Hey there. My heart goes out to you in all that you're experiencing. It's unjust that your country's Church has set up this conflict between it and LGBT+ persons; you deserve communities where you can be proudly non-binary and express your faith however you choose.

If you're interested, one of my earliest guests on my trans faith podcast was Hanka, who is a Polish bigender lesbian....he talked about the tensions between faith and gender in Poland; maybe listening to it will help you feel a little less alone. It's episode 8, "Hanka is a Polish Cryptid," and you can find links where to listen on this webpage.

As you continue to wrestle with all this, I think finding a counselor/therapist who specializes in anxiety around death might be a good idea, if you're able. It sounds like church is not the perfect option for you for coping with your thanatophobia right now -- so seeking out alternative or additional methods, such as therapy, might help.

Finally, if there are no churches in your area/country that are safe for you right now, online worship can be really beautiful!! There are a lot of fully LGBT-affirming churches who stream/post their services online.

I can recommend my own home church 100%. Our pastor Cathy is so wonderful about always learning and improving when it comes to LGBTQA+ stuff and all sorts of other things. The sermons and liturgy are always phenomenal; they even frequently tie in LGBTQA+ experiences directly. Worshipping with my home church virtually has been such a help for me through this pandemic -- I moved far away from this church, but thanks to online services, I'm able to continue connecting to God with my faith community. You can find my church's (Grace Presbyterian in Tuscaloosa, AL) live-streamed worship services every Sunday morning at 11am CST on their Facebook page. Or view older services on their YouTube channel.

Another great online worship option is my friend Ainsley's fully online Queer Church, with services streaming on Facebook every Sunday at 3pm EST.

And for even more online worship options, see this masterpost! It also has some links to online Bible studies.

Unfortunately, the masterpost is real USA-focused because that's where I live -- and very English-language centered. I'm not sure how to seek out a wider variety of content, but if anyone else has more recs, please share.

If anyone else has more suggestions or encouragement for anon, please share <3

Update: Hey anon, check out this reply from @la-vie-en-esprit:

I've sent an ask, but I'm scared that it'll get eaten, so I'm commenting here as well: Anon! There is hope! Google "Wiara i Tęcza", they're an LGBT organisation for Polish queer Christians, who believe that the church's teachings about queerness should be changed, and they're great people. See if they meet anywhere near you. My ask box is open, too, feel free to talk to me if you need <3

[thats-a-lot-of-cortisol]

I went to a friend’s church yesterday and it was...really nice??

They have far more safety precautions in place than my ward does (which, admittedly, is a low bar), I vibed with the sermon style, and I was only on edge because it was a new experience. Once I got over that, and had processed everything, it felt good. In my bones. Which isn’t a feeling I get very often. And I really want to go back/start going with him more often, to the point that I’ve cried over it.

This is a bit unfortunate, since it makes it even harder to figure out how I feel about my ward. It’s only been a couple weeks since my roommates and I have started going in person again, and everyone’s been fine: they’re all polite and no one has said anything weird or hostile to my face, but most folks’ body language is clearly showing their discomfort. And, like, that’s fair: “out and proud” queer people that also go to church aren’t all that common and I’m the most masc-presenting afab person I’ve ever seen at a church. But also, I hate that I’ve been On Edge for two hours straight each time? It knocks me out for the rest of the day and really messes with my ability to participate fully in the lessons, socialize, and feel the Spirit. 

I also don’t want to make things weird with my roommates. I know they won’t push me to attend our ward every week, but I don’t want the whole “endure to the end” talk either, or to do something that would cause friction between them and me. I’ve already mentioned that I want to go more often to one of them and she went “well, isn’t it worth being on edge?” And, like, I did get a bit defensive and cut her off to say I wasn’t going to go every week, but knowing her I’m pretty sure she was going to bring up the sacrament or something similar. Which is fair, but I made my peace with not getting the sacrament every week when the pandemic started so it’s not a huge deal to me (even though I get that it probably should be...I honestly just don’t have the energy to care at the moment). And also, maybe it’s not! Maybe I want to ease into being in a space that has unaffirming undercurrents instead of forcing myself to go every week! Maybe I don’t want to sit out in the hall for an hour every other week! Maybe I want to be in a space where I can breathe!

I should give my ward a chance. I could very well get more comfortable the more time I spend there, and I don’t want to write them off. But I also want to make sure I’m taking care of my mental and spiritual well-being.

[beloved-not-broken]

Feeling good about my decision to leave my old church

I just ran into an old friend I hadn't seen since before the pandemic. We got to talking about where we are church-wise, and she mentioned that she'd switched churches to get away from the judgmental environment.

Hearing that was so validating.

Although I hadn't been out and proud while attending that church, the lack of acknowledgement and valid resources* made me feel overlooked at best—and unwelcome at worst. The fact that I wasn't the only one to leave that church brings me comfort and makes me sad.

Because as frustrated as I am that my old church wasn't openly affirming, it was a welcoming church; I felt at home there . And it was far more progressive than most of the evangelical churches I had been to.

No wonder so many people stay at welcoming yet unaffirming churches—it's difficult and depressing to leave.

*NOTE: I don't count "gay conversion" books, which were available at the church bookstore, as valid resources. Whether or not the authors had real conversion experiences, the underlying message—that God can "turn you straight" if you pray hard enough—is harmful.

[queertheology]

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A reader asked us if there’s any truth to this statement from his favorite drama series Greenleaf, “The only way to work on the church is to be in it.” Do LGBTQ folks just endure the anxiety, stress, and judgment that non-affirming churches and its members bring on us in order to bring about change? We answer that, and more, in today’s episode.

We also queer 2 passages — 1 from Isaiah, 1 from Romans — that talk about our salvation: what is it, how do we achieve it, and the work that still needs to be done. We are reminded that God has the heart for justice and we are called to be part of that work. Make sure you stay tuned.

Things we talked about:

Brian’s life updates: drag queen shows, date nights, and zoom time [0:40]

Fr. Shay possibly going back to being a hermit, playwriting class [3:55]

Reader question [9:33]

You don’t have to stay in order to make a church change [11:24]

Very similar to our fight against police brutality [13:23]

Make queerphobia an unsustainable position [16:46]

If you decide to stay in an unaffirming church, here’s what to do if you are in solidarity with LGBT people [20:10]

Queering the Bible: Isaiah 56:1, 6-8 & Romans 11:1-2a, 29-32 [25:00]

Social justice warrior Christians are just taking the Bible seriously [27:00]

Christians in general, set up a dichotomy of who is in and who is out [29:57]

The key piece of this passage [31:07]

Links mentioned in this episode

QueerTheology.com’s online community: Sanctuary Collective

Transgender course waitlist

If you want to support the Patreon and help keep the podcast up and running, you can learn more and pledge your support at patreon.com/queertheology

If you’d like to be featured in future episodes, email your question or Bible passage suggestion to connect@queertheology.com

Photo by Mic Narra

Click here for the full transcript

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

This seems really silly, but I've been trying to find the courage to try going to church again. I live in a pretty unaffirming area, and while there are a few churches I could go to, none of them are like the ones I visited growing up. It's also been so long since I've gone that I'm not sure what to expect, even after checking the church's website. My anxiety keeps holding me back from going by myself, but I don't have any friends who would go with me.

Ach, anon, not silly at all -- i really feel you. i live in a place with a lot of affirming church options and still get major anxiety about visiting them; i can only imagine that’s amplified in an unaffirming area.

A lot of churches are either still holding virtual services or were holding them in previous months for the pandemic -- so some of the churches you’re considering might have recordings of services up on their websites (or YouTube channels / Facebook pages / etc.). If so, that’s a great way to see what their worship is like from afar.

You might also reach out to the church staff via their contact info on their website to ask if they wouldn’t mind detailing all that goes on at a standard worship for you. You could include specific questions like what type of instruments they use, what the temperature tends to be, how many people on a given day, whether there are moments where people interact during worship.... email can feel pretty anonymous, so that might be less pressure for you than a phone call. 

Finally, the golden rule of visiting churches while avoiding interacting with people: get there a couple minutes late, and leave during the closing hymn. You might also slip out to “use the bathroom” if you see in the bulletin that there’s a passing of the peace moment, because otherwise people will likely approach you then. 

And if even all this feels like too much, that’s okay too! What you’re feeling is legitimate and unfortunately not an uncommon experience. I so desperately wish that we didn’t have to have this kind of fear from churches, but in the world we’re in.......the blame is not on you if you can’t healthily go to church. Your priority is to protect yourself. Moving outside your comfort zone to visit a church is one thing; moving outside the comfort zone into full-out panic isn’t something you should put yourself through. 

There are alternatives to worshiping in person, including those virtual services I mentioned. If you’re interested, my own home church is still doing virtual worship (on Facebook live) and it’s a really beautiful congregation -- music is on the traditional side for the most part, but the language used in liturgy is gender expansive for God and for people; and the sermons are focused around justice and activism. 

There’s also my friend Ainsley’s fully online Queer Church, made by and for LGBT/queer folk -- here’s their facebook page.

If you’re trans, check out the Transmission Ministry Collective for worship, Bible studies, support groups, and more, all online!

Finally, check out this masterpost for even more options

If anyone else has ideas or encouragement for anon, please share!